Lordy, Lordy!

House of Lords, London, 28th July

I love this dressing up! I've got suspenders on underneath!

A statement from Lord Sewel ( The Right Honourable (sic) John Buttifant (honest!) Sewel CBE,
Deputy Speaker and Chairman of Committees. Family motto: "It's the real thing - coke" Coat of Arms: Penis rampant on a background of white powder, with notes of the realm (rolled))


Dear common people.

It is with great sadness that I wish to inform you that I have herewith resigned from The Gravy Train ("beloved House of Lords" - shurely!) in the light of the unfathomable and somewhat frenzied reaction to my leisure pursuits by the gutter press.

As Chairman of Committees at Halitosis Hall, part of my rôle is to enforce discipline (more, more!) and uphold the standards of the House. Accordingly I have referred my actions to my own committee and have found my performance to be wanting on a number of counts;-

1. The use of a £5 note to snort coke was just common! What was I thinking of? We Lords are paid £300 a day in cash just for dropping in before opening time and tooting with anything less than a tenner cannot be tolerated.
2. Those 'sex workers'! I know realise that I really let myself down with that group of slappers. These were hardly Christine Keeler class were they? (Editor's note: under 50? Google 'Profumo Affair')
   
   

   

   Gratuitous picture of Christine for old times sake

         I now realise that this bunch of cut-price strumpets were of insufficient class to benefit from a         good seeing to from a peer of the realm and I apologise most sincerely to my colleagues and fellow legover enthusiasts in The House.

        3. My choice of bra was absolutely appalling!

Where was my colour co-ordination? A man of my age, of a more mature stature, should really have consulted Rigby & Peller (naughty knickers to the monarchy) for something more seemly (an ermine trimmed basque would have been nice).

Having considered my own case, and in light of the ridicule that has been heaped on me, I am reluctantly resigning from the House of Lords Prostitute Appreciation Society and apologise to all my fellow members for letting my standards slip in pursuit of a quick piece of rumpy-pumpy.

I shall thus be removing myself from pubic life and will henceforth dedicate my self to helping poor little homeless girls find their place in society and working hard to alleviate the parlous plight of poor peasants in Colombia.

The former Lord is seen at home helping his dear lady wife do the housework
"Can't find the hoover, better snort up this strange dust"