Your correspondent is pleased to be given the opportunity to respond on behalf of Saint David and the Conservative Party to the gross calumnies perpetrated by that jumped up little squillionaire Lord Arseworth alleging misbehaviour by the Nation's favourite politician during his days at Oxford.
Who is this upstart Ashworth anyway? This jumped-up, nouveau riche arriviste seems to think that slipping a couple of million squid into the party coffers entitles him to have opinions!
Whilst Lord Arsewipe's hallucinogenic allegations do not merit a personal response from a man generally acknowledged to be a Saint, Our Dave
(for it is he) has authorised Bobbledegook to refute these wildly mistaken allegations which he can only imagine are a result of Lord Ashcroft's early onset dementia and deafness.
First though, a photograph of the great man himself;-
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St. Dave is an acknowledged animal lover.
(Careful mate, that's what Ashcroft says! - Ed) |
The thought that our future Prime Minister could have engaged in oral gratification with a dead pig will leave a nasty taste in the mouth of all right thinking folk
(as it did with the pig! - Ed.) This vile insinuation is clearly a figment of the imagination since, being an Old Etonian, had DC wished to show his appreciation of the pig's finer features he would obviously have rogered the little porker from behind whilst it was still alive. It always seemed to cheer up his fag Trumpington Mi. when he was a little homesick anyway!
As to the fantasy that David was a debauched party-going pisshead during his days at Oxford, there seems to be some mistake shurely. During his student days DC was was a very diligent student and only left his rooms at the end of term to engage in the normal celebrations of ballroom dancing and the consumption of lashings of lemonade and fruit cake.
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David is seen here enjoying an eightsome reel with some chums.
(L to R:Lady Amelia Fitz-Tightly, DC, a chap doing a poor Tommy Cooper
impression and a somewhat lost Cheri Blair) |
Note that there is not so much as a cigarette in this picture and that the Saintly One's flies are firmly done up.
The allegation that Cameron was a knob-meister first class is so far removed from the truth as to be ludicrous (although he candidly admits to the odd bit of self-abuse in his monastic lodgings, "Well, I was practising for my role as a politician").
The following wild allegation seems to have been an editorial mix-up at the Daily Mail;-
"
Cameron’s most significant conquest was a beautiful blonde called Laura Adshead, who seemed destined for a stellar political career. Educated at Cheltenham Ladies’ College and Oxford, she dated him for a year.
When Cameron ended it, Laura was so upset that she reportedly had to be given a period of compassionate leave from work.
Later, she moved to America, where her hard-partying lifestyle spiralled into drink and drug addiction.
Subsequently, she became a nun."
This passage was in fact a quotation from the bonk-busting work of Jackie Collins who sadly shuffled off this mortal coil earlier this week. We'll not see her like again. (Thank Christ -Ed.)
As to Lord Arsepoof's assertion that Our Dave "spent his entire undergraduate career ripped to the tits on weed and snorting coke like there was no tomorrow"
(I've paraphrased Ashcroft's fantasies a bit there), this is a complete misunderstanding on the part of the benighted knight.
The suggestion that our future Prime Minister indulged in the consumption of narcotic substances whilst listening to Supertramp as a member of the notorious 'Flam Club' is clearly erroneous. "I cannot recollect ever experimenting with drugs at Oxford" says DC.
(Neither can any of us 70s dopeheads, laddie! -Ed.) David was in fact a founder of the Oxford University
Flan Club, and would spend hours baking his favourite delicacy along with a group of his chums. Any white powder seen around his nose at this time would just have been flour from an over-enthusiastic kneeding session!
Obviously if Cameron had indulged in the weed or white powder he would not have become the man he is today. The effect of such abuse would have rendered the perpetrator detached from everyday life, unable to make rational decisions and generally of no use to man or beast.
(Are you sure of that defence? - Ed.)
So, rest assured good readers that St. David is totally without blemish, a man upright in everything that he does
(Not another sexual allegation shurely - Ed.) and that the future of your country is safe in the hands of this paragon of purity,
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| What ho chaps, anyone for Tizer? |
