"Mark my words chummy" said a tired and emotional Tory grandee (Brigadier Maurice Mussolini (retd.)),"The boy Cameron and his fragrant wife will rule forever - we'll make the ambitions of the Third Reich look like pie in the sky!" (at this point the Brigadier appeared to reach sexual climax, but it might have been a seizure).
Ten things you should know about Jeremy Corby.
1. Jeremy is a part-time model and an icon for the followers of the new 'Geography Teacher Crumpled' fashion trend.
Jeremy is here shown modelling the new England rugby away strip.
It is understood that the International Rugby Board have given The Great Leader (TGL) special permission to appear as a replacement should England be losing by more than 20 points in their RWC match against Uruguay. TGL will obviously save the game single handed, playing on the left wing.
2. Jeremy's family made their wealth from Grandpa's invention of the Corby trouser press, the iconic accessory in every hotel room in Britain.
The Corby Press in commemorative red livery to celebrate TGL's erection.
The Corby trouser press has many functions in addition to that of pressing trousers. It does a fine job of warming up take-aways (especially paninis) and has provided great sexual solace to many a lonely travelling salesman during long evenings in Scunthorpe. (Health and Safety hint: Always check the inside of your host's trouser press before inserting anything you value into it. Old chips or fish fingers can easily be removed, but you must make your own decision as to viability should the press have significant internal staining.)
3. Jeremy Corbyn has the same initials as Jesus Christ!
This is, of course, just as you would expect for the True Redeemer as Jeremy's followers call him.
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| Jeremy Corbyn |
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| JC |
Long hair, beard, charismatic speaker. Coincidence?
I think we should be told.
4. Like Jesus, Jeremy Corbyn was born in humble circumstances, which did not stop him rising to become a leader of men.
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| Chez Corbyn (stables round the back) |
5. JC has a town named after him in Northamptonshire. Corby is described as 'the arsehole of the universe' and is home to more unemployed, alcoholic, Scots ex-patriots than Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday.
6. Jeremy is not just a one-eyed politico, oh no!
According to the Financial Times, "he loves making jam with fruit grown on his allotment, belongs to the All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese and is a borderline trainspotter".
He is a vegetarian and a keen cyclist - he does not own a car - as well as being a supporter of Arsenal football club.
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| Corbyn Jam |
(Editor's note: The above bit purports to be true! The All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese actually exists and will feature in a future blog.)
7. Jeremy was heavily criticised for inviting Palestinian terrorist group Hamas to Parliament, but explained later that he thought the bloke with the tea towel on his head was promoting hummus which is another of the great man's passions.
8. Jeremy is a serial knobber. He is currently on wife number three having worn out the first two with his incessant demands for tantric sex (with added hummus).
9. TGL is at present taking time out from his highly successful film career to concentrate on turning Britain into a Third World country.
One of JC's finest roles is celebrated in this commemorative philatelic tribute;-
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| Obi Wanker-Knobby |
10. Er..... that's it! (Thank God for that - Ed. Roll on the rugby!)
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