By their cheese shall ye know them.

A turophile's guide to the coming election.

In the absence of any political policies from the candidates, it seems that the only way to judge the runners and riders for the Westminster Grand National is to consider the cheese preference of each candidate.

David Cameron (Stinking Stilton)

Dave's favourite is the toff of cheeses - predominantly white throughout with blue coursing through its veins. Dave comes from a very privileged background, but is willing to mix with the hoi-poloi  for the sake of his post-PM bank balance. Dave is basically a glove puppet for that nice Mr. Osborne, but he does have a fruity wife who is wheeled out for photo opportunities whenever the Tories are on the slide. Dave thinks he is the big cheese.

Ed Miliband (Wensleydale - obviously)

The freaky one who Labour elected in mistake for his brother. Ed seems somewhat bewildered by modern life and has terrible issues with eating bacon sandwiches. The Wensleydale is an appropriate choice for Ed, somewhat mellow and tending to crumble when under pressure. Recent revelations seem to imply that Ed was a bit of a lothario when younger, - it seems the ladies were very impressed with the size of his protuberances. Ed has a lapdog called Balls who threatens to take over star billing after Ed's inevitable demise at these erections. Ed's second cheese is the Red Leicester.

Nick Clegg (Lymeswold)

Nick (R) with his 'coalition partner' Dave

Nick's favourite cheese-based treat is the late lamented Lymeswold. Brought into the world with a great fanfare as the new face of cheesedom, it was a totally synthetic product which disappointed on all fronts. At the time of its launch, it was hailed as "the first new English cheese in 200 years" but it proved to have a very short shelf life and was eventually retired from the shelves.

Nigel Farage (Aged Cheddar)

Nigel is your archetypal pub philosopher. His love of beer, fags and cheese endear him to the masses and he can be relied upon to have an opinion on all and everything, especially on immigrants coming over here and stealing our cheese. Like his favourite snack, Nigel appears from a distance to be the epitome of Englishness, but on closer inspection he appears crusty around the edges. On getting close to him there is a distinct whiff of decay. Nigel's platform for this election is to ban the import of foreign cheeses altogether and to force the repatriation of fancy cheeses whose name does not include an English county or town.

Nicola Sturgeon (Bishop Kennedy)

Nicola is the acceptable face of Alex Salmond (an oxymoron surely - Ed). Her aim is to hold the balance of power after the election and to impose haggis and highland brie on the menus of schools and hospitals across the UK. Nicola proposes to turn the Holy Loch nuclear base into a Farmer's Market and to use our submarines for express delivery of cheese-based snacks.Nicola's favourite oatmeal bridie topping is the Bishop Kennedy: A 'trappist' cheese originating in the medieval monasteries of France but now made in Scotland. Full fat soft cheese, rind washed in malt whisky to produce a distinctive orangey red crust and a strong creamy taste. Like Nicola, this cheese is described as "runny when ripe."