Royal baby watcher Terry Hutt has sleeping bag stolen

In a shocking development which illustrates all that is wrong with Britain today, veteran Royal watcher and nutcase about town Terry Hutt (see previous blog) has had his patriotic regalia violated and his Union Jack decorated sleeping bag stolen whilst he attended to his ablutions.

The Huttmeister in situ

Said a devastated Hutt (79) "What a disgrace, there I was having a crafty piss in McDonalds and some bastard nicks my bed. What is the world coming to? It was never like this in the blitz. In them days everyone respected other people's property; we never locked our front doors (mind you our house didn't have a front door 'cos the bloody Luftwaffe blew it off!) and rather than nick things, we spent all our time singing patriotic songs about Hitler's lack of testicles.)

The local police have been informed. Inspector Knacker in a press conference this morning said "The public can rest assured that The Met will leave no stone unturned in seeking out the perpetrator of this dastardly act and then chasing him into an underground station and shooting the bugger ....... oh no, we've done that one already. Operation Bring Back the Bag will take priority over all other crime in the capital."

The party leaders were asked for their comments;-

David Cameron (Conservative) said that he was deeply concerned about Mr. Hutt's plight and would be launching an immediate Royal Inquiry under the Chairmanship of Sir John Chilcot. This inquiry would involve interviewing every inhabitant of London and would report by 2028 (or later if Sir John carks it and we have to start again. In the mean time, Cameron said that he would send round the fruity Samantha with a couple of blankets for the flag-bedecked loony as it would be a good photo opportunity and a chance to win some votes from those undergoing care in the community.

Ed Miliband (Labour) was less sympathetic. "We really can have little sympathy with this person. Hutt's insistence in occupying this sleeping bag on a London park bench when he already has a perfectly good home in Weston-super-mare is typical of the Tory voting, Royal worshipping faction in our society. To have what is effectively a second home should mean that draconian measures are to be expected; good luck to the deserving member of the less privileged who has appropriated it."

Nick Clegg (Liberal) sympathised with Terry's plight. "Terry has been disenfranchised in the bedding department as a direct consequence of the mis-management of our Coalition partners. Only by voting for a strong Liberal presence in the next parliament will sad people like Terry be able to rest in safety on park benches across our green and pleasant land." Mr. Clegg offered to send that nice Mr. Cable round to sort things out, but this offer was rejected by Mr. Hutt on the basis that Old Vince "scares the crap out of me."

Nigel Farage (UKIP) blamed Terry's loss on the hordes of illegal immigrants who he claims are descending on London's Royal vantage points with the sole intention of stealing Royal memorabilia which they will export back to Bongo-Bongo Land and sell at a great profit. "Mark my words matey, they wouldn't have got away with this in the Third Reich" said Nige over a pint at the 'Slug, Fascist and Lettuce' public house this lunchtime.

Nicola Sturgeon (SNP) was delighted to hear of Terry's plight. "Serves the bugger right" she said with a dismissive smirk, "come the SNP revolution, the first thing we will do is get rid of those parasites from the House of Windsor. Then sycophants like Mr. Hutt will have to retune to fawning over King Alex (Salmond) when he is installed in Edinburgh Castle."