Broken Dreams and Plagiarism

The woods come alive to celebrate a new blue dawn!

As Britain faces a new era with the chinless toffs rightfully returned to their place i/c the country, it is perhaps opportune to reflect on those poor members of our community whose dreams and aspirations have been shattered.

First up must of course be our old chum Terry Hutt, that arch-royalist and great fan of the Windsors.

Terry (as has been mentioned in previous blogs) devotes his life to being an A1 tit and to trying to get his photograph in the paper by imposing himself and his dodgy outfits on each and every Royal occasion. It was thus with some regret that your correspondent learnt that poor old Tel had rather ballsed up his latest project, to celebrate the new Royal baby's birth. It seems that at the time the birth was announced outside the Lindo Wing poor old Hutty was absent without leave, being ensconced in the loo having a quick pee and change of fancy dress!

Terry with an admirer

"Bollocks" said Terry, "two weeks of hanging around dressed like a twat, and my bladder goes and buggers the whole thing up!"

Terry is now thought to be camping out at Heathrow T3 to present Prince Harry with a tastefully crocheted willy-warmer on his return from the Antipodes.

From one loser to another then and we next commiserate with The Northamptonshire Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) whose advert for a new Chief Constable drew the wrath of the Plain English Campaign.

Slap-headed mangler of the Queen's English

In a 26 page (!) advert for the post, Adam Simmonds (the PCC) came up with some beauties, calling for someone who was "resolutely client-centred and victim-focused", and opining that "our chief constable must be able to see beyond the horizons of convention to make the paradigm shift".

Now I've no idea at all what that all means and would agree with the Plain English Campaign that the requirement that the post required an "agent of change" who can get "client-side" and who "is a pioneer in blue-light collaboration" was a prime example of 'ploddledegook'.

(Editor's note to PEC - like your sentiments, but how's about some recognition when you pinch my word-play on gobbledegook!)

My favourite was the PEC's opinion that "Police and crime commissioners seem to be repeat offenders in this regard for their mangling of the English language and this advert is borderline criminal"

What happened to the good old days when the fuzz just had to say "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's goin' on 'ere then?" before pushing suspects down the stairs on the way to the nick? There wasn't much call for blue sky thinking and paradigm shifting in Z-cars and The Sweeney.

Talking of losers, it would be remiss to end this post without mention of Cleggy, Gormless and The Fascist. To have the leaders (sic) of three political parties all resign their posts within the space of an hour was pretty good going. 

This was a pretty drastic consequence of the Erection which seems to have been decided by a species called 'Shy Tories' who had a sudden change of heart in the polling booth and stuck their crosses next to the Conservative candidate's name when a vision came to them of 5 years under the leadership of a man who would difficulties in eating pig-based confections whilst licking the nether regions of the Highland Harridan.

The results north of the border were amazing. La Nicola was by far the star of the Erection, but strangely, possibly its greatest loser. With the bus-crash that was the Labour performance, the SNP had no waggon to-which-to-hitch (hope that's all right PEC!) their demands for the tartanisation of life as we know it. Undoubtedly they will gain traction (careful - Ed) as the third force in the chamber but basically Cameron can tell them to piss off back to the land of turnips, midges and deep-fried Mars bars and mind their own business.

I leave you with a snap of our chums at the VE day commemoration;-

The thoughts of these worthy gentlemen (from left to right);-

Bonking Boris Johnson (for it is he) "Cripes, five years to get rid of that tosser Cameron"

Ed Miliband "Bugger, I seem to have awoken to find myself at my own funeral"

Michael Fallon (Defence Secretary) "I'm cracking jokes to stop these two in front from crying"

Nick Clegg "It was looking to the right when I joined the Coalition that dropped me in this shit in the first place"

Philip Hammond (Foreign Office Minister) "Shouldn't we have some soldiers here? Oh no - they're both in Syria!"

David Cameron (Supremo) "If I bite my bottom lip I can just about stop myself laughing"

Right, enough of this political claptrap, I'm off down the pub for a consolation pint or twelve with a bloke in a camel-hair coat. We can laugh about the demise of that nice Ed Balls.