Heirs and Hairs

Duchess about to drop 

With the nation on tenterhooks as the DoC goes into labour, your correspondent feels moved to comment on matters of the Royal Succession and some of the chinless wonder hangers-on the Her Maj. ............

Just thought, in this week before the General Erection, surely the Duchess, in the interest of political balance and neutrality, should be reported as having gone into Conservative / SNP / Lib dem / UKIP and Plaid Cymru rather than just plain old Labour?

It seems you can't get a bet on the baby being named Alice now, which will be a bit of a bummer if the Sprog Royal turns out to be a boy. On the other hand, there's always Alice Cooper and Johnny Cash's 'Boy named Sue' to act as role models.

In the days when life expectancy was somewhat less than it is today, the expectation of Royal Princesses was that they would always produce an 'heir and a spare' and thus the legion of House of Windsor layabouts whose role in life was basically to occupy the subs' bench and be a drain on the public purse.

Princess Margaret was obviously one of the greatest post-war piss artistes royale. 

Queen's sister holding court.
She had her knockers!

Once she realised her elder sister was quite keen on the ruling lark, she dedicated her life (at our bloody expense) to bonking her way through the upper echelons of society, keeping Benson and Hedge's solvent and propping up the British gin industry. 

Does one have a light?

Prince Andrew was another one who really let himself go when he realised that brother Charles was prepared to wait forever to get his bum on the throne.

Andrew did try to follow royal precedent by marrying (like Charlie) a lunatic, but in recent years he has taken to dropping into golf courses by helicopter and chasing young slappers (allegedly!).

Some oik just called me 'a right royal tit'! - what do you think Samantha?

Perhaps our greatest Royal spare part is of course Prince Harry.  Of uncertain parentage (but the ginger hair is a bit of a give-away), Harry is going backwards down the Royal ladder of succession at a rate of knots now that brother William has decided to produce a whole brood to while away the time until he can get his hands on the crown. One has to feel a bit sorry for Harry (you must be joking! - Ed), since were he not a Royal, he would just be tolerated as an average chancer, quite a good bloke who did his bit in Afghanistan and is now devoting himself to shagging his way into middle age.

WYSIWYG - Harry displays his personal Royal motto!

Fair do's, Harry does his bit on the charity front, but the great thing about him is that you know he's a complete loose cannon. He gets a pretty rough ride from the press sometimes, I mean which of us chaps haven't secretly wanted to display our tackle on the front page of a tabloid?

"Do you want to see the Crown Jewels?"

Enough of these Royal wannabes  

I tuned in to Match of the Day last weekend and was horrified to see how much Gary Lineker had let himself go! He seemed to have a decaying moth underneath his nose and his excuse for a beard was laughable.

Real pogonophiles  (strange - my spell checker gives 'eigenvalues' as a suggestion for that - weird!) will be aghast at this sorry effort. Come on Gary man, get a grip. We liked you as a player and tolerated you in those silly crisp adverts, but this is a bit of a shambles mate!

KFC seems logical after Walkers!

Gary now looks like a poor man's d'Artagnan or a would be bonfire effigy.

Even Colonel Saunders had a better-defined set of whiskers

The strange thing is that Gary seems to be morphing into that great doyen of the football pundits- Jimmy Hill.  Note that GL's chin is growing decidedly pointy. It has some way to go before it rivals the hirsute ski slope of Jim the Chin, but we can all see the likeness!

Right, the joint pressures of an imminent Royal birth and the last round of fixtures in the Championship are beginning to get at me. I need some alcoholic support here!