It's Hartley Credible!

World of English Rugby Shaken to its Foundations

English rugby fans (Lord Sid and Lady Doris Jock-Strap) were left in a state of shock last night when their pin-up hooker Dylan Hartley achieved a triple record that will surely never be broken. "Isn't he marvellous?" said Lord Sid "It just goes to show that this government's policy of unfettered immigration is fully justified." Lady Doris was equally enthusiastic "Ooh such lovely quads - he makes me go really wet at times".

To remind those of you for whom Rugby Union Football is not a passion (what's the matter with you?) here are some photos;-

Spot the odd one out;-

Dylan (for it is he!)

The Ginger Ninjah

Ooh I say!

Answer: The bottom one. (The other two are tits in England rugby shirts, whilst the bottom bunch of lovelies have their tits out of their England rugby shirts.)

Dylan's Terrific Trio of records are as follows;-

1. With his latest ban for gently head butting an opponent, Dylan has taken his total suspension time to over one year. This is unprecedented in the game in the modern era and demonstrates Dylan's devotion to eye gouging, kicking and general violence.
2. It was only two year's ago that Dylan's critique of referee Wayne Barnes as a "F***ing cheat" issued during the Premiership Final and live on TV brought the poor misunderstood lad a lengthy ban and cost him his place on the British Lions tour. Dylan maintains to this day that he was misunderstood on account of his Kiwi accent and that he was just enquiring whether Barnesy was enjoying the afternoon  which Dylan felt was "rucking sweet."
3. The upshot of Darling Dylan's latest appearance before the rugby beaks is that he has been thrown out of the England squad for the Autumn Rugby World Cup. A Lions and England ban double is a fitting testimonial to the lad's willingness to engage in biting, beating and beastliness for his (adopted) country's cause.

"We are really disappointed with Dylan's unfair exclusion," said an ashen-faced Lord Sid last night as he downed his sixth glass of Martin Johnson's Old Calamity gin and Jonny Wilkinson tonic, "without the chance of the cherubic little chap popping up to clog someone or roundly abuse the officials, there seems little point in watching the RWC now. I think Lady Doris and I will probably pop over to Switzerland to stay with our old chum Sepp Blatter and get his unparallelled views on the sporting scene."

Since sneaking into the country dear, dear Dylan has given his all for England;-

Here we see Dylan undergoing his ritual initiation into the England team
under the throbbing loins of neo-royal Mike 'Knobber' Tindall

Meanwhile, back in New Zealand at a secret headquarters deep in the bowels of the Eden Park stadium the shadowy supremo of SMERSH (Send Mother England Right Shite Heads) known only as "Ted" stroked his pet 'Beaver' and thought about this latest set back in his organisation's nefarious plans to ensure New Zealand's successful defence of the RWC. "Bugger" said Ted. "This is all turning to custard. We knew that agent Tuilagi was never going to work, since his brain was mis-wired from birth. When we put the self-destruct implant into the the dear boy it was obviously not working properly. It went off on the Auckland ferry once, and then again when he was at a taxi rank in Leicester." The SMERSH campaign is aimed at infiltrating clapped out Kiwis (who would never make it to the All Blacks) into the England XV and then to remotely cause them to self-destruct through violent or abusive behaviour when the knock out stages of the RWC had commenced and when it was felt propitious to improve New Zealand's chances of retaining the Webb-Ellis trophy.

"We had high hopes of agent Hartley," said Ted. "We had established a pattern of idiotic behaviour, so that the authorities would not suspect our involvement, but unfortunately Dylan got a bit addicted to being a knob-end and started going freelance. We tried to curb his over-enthusiasm by applying electro-convulsive treatment to his private parts, but the stupid bugger seemed to enjoy that!"

With the seemed failure of this tactic, it is feared that SMERSH may resort to other dubious tactics such as releasing an obscene version of Swing Low Sweet Chariot on Youtube or revealing that Stuart Lancaster once appeared on Jim'll Fix It. Rest assured that Bobbledegook will be keeping a close eye on developments!

What now for Dylan Hartley?

Help may be at hand for the Hapless Hooker as the government (this is true- honest) have announced their latest spiffing plan to try and reinstate some discipline in the nation's schools by drafting  England internationals and Premiership coaches into the classroom. "Rugby teaches how to bounce back from setbacks, to show integrity in victory and defeat and to respect others, especially your opponents" said gushing Education Secretary Nicky Morgan. (Why can't I report something that actually happened. You couldn't make this crap up, could you?). This is so much up Demented Dylan's street that I thoroughly expect him to be named Schools' Supremo in the New Year. I can see it all now, GCSE's in Blindside Mugging and Scrotal Scratching along with courses in Dwarf Throwing and Tour Mayhem.

I seem to remember that the politicos tried something like this before with Soldiers in Schools or some such nonsense. It seems that the British teenager proved too much of a handful for the SAS so now they have turned to the Scrum-meisters to sort out the yobs. We will know that the nation has finally hit the buffers when we hear that they are calling in Premier League footballers to sort out Wayne and Waynetta.