Hold on to your Cocks!

Your correspondent was deeply concerned today to learn that one of Britain's most endearing and historical traditions was coming under fire from the frightful harridans of the PC brigade.

It seems that some lunatic from an animal rights group called Peta had declared war on an eighth century hostelry in St. Albans called Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, acknowledged by The Guinness Book of Records as Britain's Oldest standing tavern. (I couldn't find out what Peta stands for, but pet is the French for fart so I think we can guess what sort of group this is!). Anyway the good burghers of St. Albans have been minding their own business and quaffing real ale for 1200 odd years and now some stupid woman called Mimi Bekhechi (sounds suspiciously foreign to me, must alert the Border Security Police, if he's not in Benidorm on holiday) wants the pub renamed Ye Olde Clever Cocks.

That pub sign in full

Miss Bekhechi was quoted as saying "Changing the name would reflect today's rejection of needless violence and help to celebrate chickens as the intelligent, sensitive and social animals that they are."

For Christ's sake Mimi! Chickens are NOT intelligent! Have you ever seen one on Mastermind? Did a chicken help crack the Enigma Code? (They can't even crack eggs - that's the way their bums are designed - Ed.) Has a French chicken ever won the Poule-itzer Prize? No. Let's face it Mimi, chickens are as thick as pig shit and their only contributions to man's progress has been as the subject of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes, providers of eggs for the full English breakfast and as an ingredient of chicken tikka masala. As for being sensitive, don't make me laugh. Has a chicken ever come up to you when you are feeling blue and inquired as to your health? I thought not. As to being sociable, have you even seen chickens at a hen party or cocking about with the lads? I rest my case.

Sensing that this proposal by the animal rights lobby might just gain traction, one wonders how the following traditionally named pubs might fair if this PC nonsense really gets going.

• Dirty Dicks (near Liverpool Street)
• The Legend of Oily Johnnies (in Winscale, Cumbria)
• The Frill and Faggot
• The Parson's Prophylactic
• The Turtle's Head
• The Frog and Bidet
• The Abba Trois
• Kate's Bush
• The Farting Parrot
• The Errant Apostrophe's
• The Pork Sword
• The Pope and Prostitute
• The Brewery Taff
• The Dog and Doodoo
• The Cricketer's Box
• The Dame and Dildo
• The Old Thirteenth Cheshire Astley Volunteer Rifleman Corps Inn (in Stalybridge)
• Ye Olde Trip to Blaenavon

(OK, that's enough fictitious pub names. I know you're either making them up or pinching them from

http://www.readersdoglist.com/pubnames.html you plagiarising bastard - Ed.)